I am an avid follower of The Vampire Diaries. Yes I know it is just another teenage high-school drama feeding on a very popular but overhyped vampire theme and dealing with the overdone melodrama of two brothers falling in love with the same girl. But I find Ian Somarhalder very hot and sometimes it’s good to feed your fantasies.
Time and again, the question of ‘turning it off’ comes up. For those of who are not familiar with the serial, the ‘it’ here, implies humanity. When a new vampire is born, usually the vampire turns her humanity off, to get rid of feelings of regret, guilt and overwhelming emotions. This is because the new vampire still cannot control her bloodlust and the hunger makes them do irrational things which they would later regret. So they turn it off. They turn their humanity off and do as they please and think as they please and life’s good again.
But enough about the show let me get to the point. Is it really good to turn your humanity off? Hell, is it even possible? Is it possible to let go of all your regret, your guilt, your compassion and be free of your past? What turning your humanity off essentially means, from my understanding of it, is to be absolutely free. Free of expectations, free of wants, needs, moral compasses. And no doubt that’s fun way to live. You answer to no one, you live like you want to and you do exactly what you want.
And here’s my question, apart from the very impossible feat of denying yourself emotions of any kind, how beneficial is this whole process? From personal experience, I can say it’s very hard to let go. To a friend who had recently asked, so when does it all end? – This attachment to the past, attachment to the present, fear of the future-this is my answer-it does not. It does not ever end. i think I will always carry a piece of myself everywhere, that will always be my emotional baggage. But what I choose to do with that emotional baggage is ultimately my choice. I could let it affect me, define me or I could use it to change myself for the better and use my past as a reminder as to how sometimes things can go horribly wrong.
Nostalgia is hard, but somehow there is an addictive attraction to it. Like you know you should move on, but you cannot. You know exactly what you are doing to yourself and yet there is some helpless satisfaction in wallowing in that sadness. Of course, time helps. Time goes on and before you realize it, the memories are fading. But it never completely erases memories. And time and again, if you are in a similar situation, those memories prick you and remind you of the past. But in spite of all this, I would not trade for a human without humanity. I do not want my memories, happy or sad, to be erased. Those memories define me and they make me stronger. For all the irrationality in the world, I think it is important to keep your past very close to you, to remind you that you do not ever want to repeat that past. Whether it was doing terribly in the exam that defined your future, or being mean to someone that deserve that treatment or the most common reason like a failed love, it is important to give yourself the time to feel that pain and develop a healthy attitude towards it.
It’s very tempting to switch it all off. To avoid conversations dealing with it, to cut off friends who are annoyingly inquisitive, to work like a maniac to ignore the urge to mope. And I would say, for a while, it is important to turn it off. To give yourself space and time. And then, when sufficient time has passed, it is necessary to introspect and turn it on all over again.
Phew, so much from one supernatural drama.^_^
Sparks in Vacuum 
DEJA ENTENDU
By John J. Ford Jr.
Love is my weakness, through all my molestations, I was given a choice.
I could have listened to god, instead I turned to drugs. Although none know, except my grandmother, I was trained and given ability, a power if you will. I met it in Korea, And it bestowed on me a knowledge few are allowed to see. I can reap the weakness of my fellow man, yet I refuse to use this power for one reason, my grandmother
People including my ex-wife ask how to you know that, how can you read people the way you do. The answer is simple, yet extremely complex, shadows..! Light within the shadows.
So here I am alone and desolated from my renunciation of power.
Or to be more accurate, a victim to my weakness, for I have many. Booze, books, music, Art, excellent wine, and, formerly, heroin. I admit these things without a sense of guilt. I am, as my friend from the darkness once said , a man with a man’s contradictions.
Fortunate for me I have so far resisted my primal impulses. My kind need not destroy their prey, and as such, I have not destroyed mine. This, makes one think death, how wrong this is, real death is loss of your soul, your energy, your life-force, it is your ability to reach the other side, or as the church tells us heaven. Without it, one is dammed to oblivion; they cease to exist when the body dies. What am I to do..??? The One that I love, affected through generations attempted to win her freedom, although she misunderstood the reasons, her call was heard, her price for this challenge immense, her destruction absolute.
I allowed her to proceed, knowing the danger, and at the moment of her final attempt to break free of this storm created, I intervened, with just one sentence I made her aware of her tormenters weakness. I must admit I thought I would be comforting the remains of her mauled emotions, she did it…!!! She stole the only thing that bound it to the hope of salvation.
My god, I hope I have not offended thee. I have had all that not bound by family stripped of me. Unlike myself I opened this awareness as an act of redemption, to repay a family that had shown me love and asked for nothing in return.
I learned with the full understanding of what I was becoming, pain does that. Upon my refusal to cross over I was allowed to go free with certain conditions, proof of my adherence is my child, freedom, a future.
When one looks around I think you will agree that pain is commonplace, we all see things happening to others, and all the time, yet the mind in its natural defense make us forget great pain to our own being or ignore others.
But what of the one I relinquished it from, its master has been angered, enraged to say the least.
But what of myself? They will hunt me forever, to extract payment for my transgression. Two attempts have been made to extract vengeance upon me.
I fear not, sleep, rest, one might recall a time when I could not sleep. I can now, even when they are in the same room.
Enjoy your well-deserved freedom it said, this is the greatest gift I can ever give you, and maybe the gods will show you mercy,
Just remember this it said, you must never reveal the truth about me,
I am neither good nor bad, neither angel nor devil. I am a hunter of souls.
Time has taught me there was no escape from life’s little tricks. You can resist Evil in its usual forms it said, but just when you think you have mastered it, like magic it will take on another shape, subtle and infinitely seductive in its new form. Even though I was constantly vigilant, my pain could work its way into my heart, a worm boring into a rose, its presence unsuspected until it was too late. It once told me that I was a fool to turn my back on destiny, that you cannot deny your power, you will be back it said. Go now my poor fool, why I am fond of you I cannot understand. Go, you fool, I pray they find you not, I shall never speak your name again, or you of mine, remember you promise, farewell.
If I had not taken a vow to win my freedom, I would have become a musician. But the demon that had extracted my vow, as a condition of my freedom it had turned expression of my being against me, using my love of music as a weapon to assure my silence.
After attaining my ability I had never truly wanted anything. Not advancement which I got, not endless stream woman which I got, not power and influence, not even approval of all who have mocked me. But desire never left my thoughts for more than a few minutes when I was awake, and it commands my dreams when I slept. It even polluted my mind in our lords house, a wanting hunger that would lead to damnation, unless I could drive it out of my body and soul.
It comes to me, as it always has when my guard was down – a sound so sweet that an angel might have been singing to me in the secret language of Heaven, soothing and caressing me, tenderly lifting my body and broken spirit. then I wake to the pain, and to the greater spiritual pain that comes when I realized I was not hearing the voice of an angel in my mind, but of the demon that had watched over me, reminding me of its presence, showing uncommon mercy by hoping I shall attain salvation, yet by some unknown fear of being alone, It hopes for my return.
The truly amazing thing is that I had a guaranty of immunity, I could move about and live and grow things such as my life with my wife and, as long as I remained neutral, I could use my talents to a certain limit, without alerting other hunters of my presence, I said I believed in god but never gave myself over to him. After leaving my wife I met a women who took total control of me I could do nothing, she could do things without fear, She took me to the edge of bliss while my life crumbled around me, and one day during intercourse she looked me in the eye and said, “So my foolish friend, we meet again” jumping up I said what do you mean, Not bad huh! It replied, did you miss me; oh you mean you did not know it was me. Then it laughed, so what do you think, you like this form, come back. I could say nothing; you have given up that which loves you unconditionally, where you shall go. I have spent time with her, you ask for freedom yet you hurt without remorse. Still unable to speak, PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION MY LITTLE FOOL, next time will be the last, next time it might not be myself. Would you like so coffee, let us talk, I always enjoyed your endless questions. After hours of talking I returned to my life, it again set me free, I am still unable to grasp it all.